El estomago en revolucion

Sooo since I am in bed/study pretty much with a very angry stomach and nothing to do but take medicine and wait, I thought I'd share some things I have learned, or in some cases things that have been reinforced, since my entry into this strange and wonderful place called Argentina:

1) Don't use a certain airline that starts with a D and ends with an elta (unless you are willing to suffer for cash): A group of at least 20 people were overbooked and then stuck in Atlanta (aka Hotlanta, according to my waitress at the diner), GA for 2.5 days waiting for the next available, ie NOT overbooked, flight. Apparently, they do this to make a profit, but considering the $800 they had to dish out to each of us (en serio, they asked if I'd prefer $600 company dollars or $800 USD), I don't see how it works in their favor. Additionally, they got half of that compensation back in the outrageous fees and mysterious "international taxes" they charged my mother when we had to switch my ticket to an earlier date.

2) Always always ALWAYS get a receipt. Especially when you are foreign. 'Nuff said. Actually, a lot of countries have special Global Refund Cheques you can request for larger purchases, and upon having them approved at customs when you leave the country, you're eligible for some decent rebates.

3) Don't give street children money, food is better. Why? Because most of them are answering to a higher power, i.e. their pimp/uncle/parents/gangleader who will most likely take their money and continue exploiting their cute patheticness for his or her own benefit. It is better to give them food or even candy directly, although on the other hand the less they reap, the worse their treatment by said "owners" may be. It's a tough call, but I really don't suggest it. I say this in all seriousness because I literally see 8 year old boys (and their bags of bouquets for sale) marching proudly down the street with their well-dressed (pinstripes and all) gentlemanly "uncles".

4) On that note, I'm pretty sure I live next to a strip of stripclubs. Do not enter bars with completely tinted windows and names like Sodoma and Play. This is what my lovably bitter and flamboyant Film Studies (Cultural Icons as Global Commodities) professor has to say about my neighborhood, La Recoleta (insert smooth Argentine accent): "Isn't eet like, the least cool place to live? I mean, ees like, there are dees American bizzznissmen, who no longer have relations to there wiiiife, right, and ees like they go to La Recoleta for, how you say, a cheap fuck?"

5) If you are a fake blonde, take your foreign opportunity (unless you are going to a very "blonde" country) to return to your natural roots. In places like BsAs, blonde hair, especially a well applied color by skilled American stylists, just SCREAMS tourist and/or American. It's also the beauty ideal, so if you aren't looking for the attention, lose the golden tresses. I blend in pretty well when I'm on my own, but my two girlfriends are both particularly Aryan-looking and it draws plenty of attention, which can lead to rip-offs and even violence if you aren't careful. The women who "go blonde" here tend to, in my opinion, get awful dye-jobs (not to mention their black eyebrows remain so) and accompany it with over-stereotypical old-fashioned make up (ie blue eyeshadow), so unless you are a natural, it is often easy to tell the difference between locals and tourists just by the quality of their highlights...

6) When in Rome, make out like crazy. Seriously, BsAs is THE place for PDA's. I unfortunately, am lacking my boyfriend, who currently resides in NY state, but if you have one and want to go on vacation, Argentina is very friendly to lovers. Slobbering on street corners (butt-grabbing included), straddling in the park, and napping entwined around one another is all the rage/norm. It's actually quite nice not to hear personal-space-fanatic Americans yelling "Get a room!", and I love that all couples, from 14 to 84, hold hands.

7) Join a gym. Considering most of the restaurant meals available to me are Italian (ie pasta and pizza) or meat, potatoes and bread, its no wonder that Argentina has a huge female eating disorder problem. It's impossible to have regular meals here without ballooning to twice your size. Don't get me wrong, I love the food- it is all delicious and well-prepared, but as someone used to brocolli, brown rice, and tofu, I can only handle so many combinations of bread, steak, potatoes, cheese, and bread and potatoes and steak. I joined a chain gym with a locations all over the city, and thank god. I've been working out more than ever in my life. I think I am an anomoly/hero to the employees, as a woman who actually uses the treadmill to run (and sweat, god forbid). A lot of chicas I see tend to walk, while on their cellphones, or lie down on the verge of doing leg lifts, on their cellphones. There's a few more active women (albeit in very nifty matching workout clothes), but the men dominate the actual physical fitness efforts here. Although, on days when exciting/interesting/any futbol (soccer) matches are on TV, you see a lot of those moments where everyone is between reps and just staring at the screen. I get the feeling that national understandings of nutrition and fitness are less than perfect, just like in the good ole' States. My favorite scene so far: Workouts while drinking soda.

8) Look down. While parks are restricted to human and pigeon access only, the sidewalks are the free and fermenting domain of all pets. Piles of canine reminders of how servile they have made us abound. While Argentines have the privilege of not cleaning up after their dogs, they also tortured with a necessarily constant fear of stepping the messes. With this comes a popular myth that portenos (with an ~ over the n; Buenos Aires residents) don't wair flip-flops in the street, but I've seen plenty of barer feet now that the warmer weather is arriving.

9) Beware of American film references as pickup lines. It seems these guys have compiled all their knowledge of the American female from American Pie. Don't necessarily be flattered if you are compared to one of the leading ladies. True it may be, and maybe your out to get lucky, but if not, know that any porteno using this reference most definitely has sex and you're supposedly easy standards on his mind.

10) Don't be offended if you get spoken to in English. While it can be extremely annoying when you are trying to say something or respond and a local switches over to your tongue, don't take it as insult. On the one hand, it can be a way of saying "Your Spanish sucks" (which is probably does), but for the most part, plenty of people just like the opportunity to practice their English. On the bright side, once you're spanish improves, you won't have to deal with this embarassing exchange so often. Until then, just ask them to repeat themselves more slowly or claim you couldn't hear instead of yelping, "Sorry, what?" when they ask you if you'd like your water with gas...